A mom tearfully told me that she doesn't know how to feel loving with her 13-year old son any more. He's been so difficult that all she sees are his behaviors, the ones that frustrate and anger her, and make her feel hopeless.
Verbalizing this is beyond difficult. It's painful and guilt-inducing.
Don't despair. There is something you can do it about it.
When I shared today's tip with her, a clear shift occurred. I could see hope and possibility on her face and in her body language. The next time we spoke she reported an easing of tensions and some beautiful moments with her son.
Toddlers, teens and young adults, tantrums, learning differences, addictions.
When you’re going through a rough patch, you end up focusing on the behaviors that drive you nuts.
“What happened to that sweet child I used to know? I know you’re in there somewhere!” You begin to lose sight of the beautiful person hidden behind those frustrating and distressing behaviors.
She’s in there somewhere. How do you find her again?
Close your eyes. Think back to a time before the craziness started.
Remember that sweet child who put a smile on your face. What did she do that melts your heart?
Are you there now, feeling the pure joy of the moment? Good.
Now be on the lookout for a time when your child is calm and approachable. Pull out that soft, warm memory and share it.
Watch the person you love gradually begin to reappear. This is how you re-establish connection and relationship.
Whether you've reached your limit or are just having a bad day, look behind your child’s behaviors. Small miracles can happen.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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