Question: Am I the only one who feels like giving up? I have a 13-yr old daughter and gosh it’s getting so hard emotionally; I am so done. Is that normal or am I a terrible person?
I can’t do anything right, and everything is my fault. I’m at a breaking point. Friends and family are so judgmental (their kids aren’t in the teen years yet) so I just keep it all bottled up. But it’s becoming exhausting and horrible.
Answer: I went through rough times with one of my kids during that 13-17 stretch. Here's what you need to know about teens and their big feelings.
1. Parenting is about us, and much less about our kids. We can't control them (as you’ve seen), only guide them. We can learn to control and support ourselves, and to model how we want them to show up.
2. When they lob those 'mean bombs' at us, it really is about their frustration, sadness, anger and disappointment. They say these things to get us off their back and leave them alone. And it works!
They don’t want to share things that feel too painful or embarrassing. Vulnerability can feel risky, dangerous. The bottom line here is to begin practicing not taking it personally. You already know it eats you up and takes away your hope and peace.
3. Teens don't trust their parents to just listen. Period. Sadly, this mistrust is often justified. They start talking and we immediately go into fix-it mode, judging, analyzing and thinking of our reply. Just like us, they want and need to be heard. So, listen. And listen more. You don’t have to agree, just listen.
Knowing that it’s not about you (even though it feels that way) will help you get past the nastiness more quickly.
It doesn’t mean you sit back, accept the behavior, and do nothing. There are ways to set boundaries to protect you and help her understand what’s okay, what’s not, and at what point you activate your boundary. We’ll work on that next time.
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P.S. The holidays can be delightful and stressful. Want to reduce the stress of preparation, lack of cooperation, and unpleasant friends and family? Get your free Holiday Survival Guide. Send me an email at fern@fernweis.com for your copy.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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