A pattern appears in many parents’ approach to raising their children:
1. You love how you were brought up and want to repeat it with your kids.
2. You hate how you were parented and decide to do the opposite.
Most people I speak to easily identify things they don’t want to repeat. They declare they’d never do that to their own children. Fair enough.
However, it doesn’t reflect the parent you want to be and can be. It’s not intentional parenting, it’s reactive parenting; you’re a reaction to the way you were parented, doing the opposite of what you experienced.
Besides, who’s to say that going to the other extreme is what’s best for your child? Ponder that for a minute…
For example, a mom shared that there was very little love in her family of origin, and the words ‘I love you’ were never uttered. She vowed to shower her children with the words ‘I love you’ and the actions to back it up.
Her daughter (as an adult) told her that constantly hearing ‘I love you’ felt smothering, even insincere after a while.
The father whose own father never went to any of his football games vowed to attend all his child’s games. He was shocked to learn his son felt he was under a microscope. He came to resent not being able to go straight to the locker room to be with his teammates, having to stop and spend time with his parents first.
You may not agree with how the kids are feeling. Still, it’s another example of how your good intentions backfire, especially when you are parenting as a reaction to your past.
The moral of the story? Be intentional and thoughtful. As best you can, put your emotions to the side and consider what’s best for your child. You can choose to change.
P.S. I'll give you strategies and honest feedback to help you be more realistic about parenting intentionally. Schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call here.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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