At 16, I often found myself lingering in the background. I was part of a local youth group with various chapters, attending Friday and Saturday night gatherings at members' homes. (And yes, there was always a parent present.)
I was brave enough to show up, but not to engage. I was the one seated on a chair, on the outskirts, offering a polite smile but seldom making an effort to connect. My social interactions were minimal.
If I had stayed home, my anxiety would have been nearly nonexistent. So, why did I go? Deep down, I sensed there was a different life waiting for me, one I longed to experience.
However, simply being present wasn't enough. It took several months for me to muster the courage to behave differently, to genuinely interact. Smiling, talking, laughing, initiating conversations—it was challenging and draining, both emotionally and physically.
And it was a significant risk.
Who should I approach? Who should I avoid?
What should I say? How should I respond?
Would they accept me? Reject me?
What if I embarrassed myself? How could I make a swift exit?
Oh my God, what was I doing there?!
Despite the fear, I pushed through. That's when I discovered how to participate rather than merely observe. Developing these skills took years. Now, I can confidently engage in most settings. However, I don't much like large groups and prefer not to mingle. But I do it anyway when there's a greater purpose or goal.
Can you relate to any of this? Whether you do or not, I urge you to see your teenager with a new perspective. For many, their world is intimidating.
When they withdraw, it's not due to laziness, antisocial tendencies, or apathy. Those might be the visible behaviors and attitudes, but there's often a fear or need underlying them. That's what drives behavior.
At the very least, create opportunities for them to express their feelings. It's the first step in processing emotions and daring to try something new.
P.S. – I can help you take those first steps to building trust in the relationship with your teen, so they’ll let you support them. Contact me here for a complimentary Parent Discovery Call.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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