Byron Katie, creator of ‘The Work,’ wisely says, “When you argue with reality, you lose... 100% of the time.” This is especially true for parents who find themselves stuck in the land of "if only."
It’s an easy trap to fall into when you think, "If only my teenager would..." and try to force your reality into a mold that simply doesn’t exist. When we argue with what is, we become stuck, unable to make progress, and frustrated that nothing is changing.
Many parents complain about their child’s behavior, spending hours dwelling on what they wish was different. I used to be one of them, too.
Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking: "If only my teen took school more seriously," or "I can't stand the way she speaks to me," or "If only he would grow up!" These thoughts, while common, do nothing but amplify frustration and make it harder to respond to your teen in a neutral, supportive way.
More emotions breed more conflict, and more conflict keeps you stuck exactly where you don't want to be. How do you break this pattern and start making positive changes?
1. Stop Complaining. The first step is to make a conscious decision to stop arguing with reality. Complaining focuses on what you don’t want, creating a negative mindset.
Instead, shift your language to focus on what you want to happen. For example, instead of saying, "If only he cared more about school," try shifting your thought to, "I’d love to see him invest more in his education, and I’m here to support that."
2. Choose Your Thoughts Carefully. The power of thought cannot be underestimated. The stories we tell ourselves shape how we feel and how we react to situations.
Rather than dwelling on your teen’s perceived shortcomings, shift your focus to what you’d like to experience. If your mind is constantly replaying "she never listens," you're setting yourself up to only see that behavior
3. Mind Your Words. Words are incredibly powerful. Once spoken, they can’t be unsaid, and even the sincerest apology doesn’t erase their impact.
Speak slowly and thoughtfully, especially when emotions are high. Taking a pause before responding can make all the difference between escalating a situation or finding a solution.
4. Focus on Strengths. We often spend too much time emphasizing the challenges our kids face. Instead, start focusing on their strengths.
What are they good at? Where do they show responsibility or empathy? Reinforcing their strengths builds their confidence and helps them feel more capable of growth. In turn, they begin to trust themselves more, which is key to positive change.
5. Clarify Before Assuming. Assumptions can get you into trouble, especially with teenagers. Before jumping to conclusions about your teen’s behavior, ask for clarification.
Maybe they’re going through something that you don’t know about. Instead of assuming the worst, seek to understand their perspective.
Go For Their Best. Rather than constantly trying to prevent the worst from happening, aim for your child’s best. Focus on what’s possible for them and encourage that vision.
It doesn’t mean you ignore reality or fail to address issues, but shifting your mindset toward possibilities will open the door for growth and transformation.
Ultimately, changing your thoughts will change your reality. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect, but rather about framing your experiences in a way that encourages positive outcomes. When you add action to these new thoughts, you’ll become unstoppable.
So, how can you stop living in the land of "if only" and start living in the land of possibility? Start by shifting your mindset, and the changes you seek in your teen will begin to follow.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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