Understanding the Stages of Grief and Embracing Individual Journeys by Heidi Sommers, LSW

Updated: Oct 6, 2023

Grief is a complex and multifaceted emotional response to loss that individuals experience across all life stages. It encompasses a range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that arise when individuals experience the absence of someone or something significant in their lives. While grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, it can also be triggered by other types of loss, such as the end of a relationship, a major life change, the diagnosis of a serious illness, loss associated with a natural disaster, or the loss of a job. All people grieve in their own individual ways—whether it be through sadness, depression, confusion, loneliness, fear, relief, or even physical symptoms. The following article will discuss the stages of grief; offer coping strategies while navigating loss; explore how children and adolescents grieve; what the cultural and social impacts are on grief; and how to move forward and make meaning through loss.

What Are the Five Stages of Grief

The “Five Stages of Grief,” which were originally proposed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying,” have since become popularized in the common vernacular around grief and provide us with a framework for individuals to make sense of their emotions and reactions during the grieving process. They offer validation and a sense of predictability to an otherwise chaotic and overwhelming experience that often feels inexplicable. Recognizing these stages can also help individuals anticipate their emotional journey and offer a roadmap for navigating grief. While the stages of grief provide a general framework, it’s crucial to emphasize that the grieving process is highly individual and cannot be captured through a simplistic model. Some individuals may move through the stages sequentially, while others might skip stages or revisit them multiple times. Additionally, some individuals might experience other complex emotions or reactions that aren’t captured by these stages. With that being said, here is a brief overview of the stages:

Stage 1: Denial and Shock

In this stage, individuals may have difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, oftentimes refusing to acknowledge that the loss has or will occur. They may feel disconnected, numb, and like the loss is not quite real. During this stage, denial may serve as a protective mechanism, allowing the individual to gradually process the impact of the loss.

Stage 2: Anger and Frustration

In this stage, a mourner may be asking, “why is this happening to me?” As denial fades and the individual begins to acknowledge the loss, raw emotions can emerge, oftentimes taking the form of anger (at themselves, others, or the world around them). The loss may feel unjust and blame may be placed in some capacity in order to cope with the loss.

Stage 3: Bargaining and Seeking Meaning

In this stage, an individual may be thinking “I will do anything to change this,” trying to negotiate or seek out ways to reverse or change the loss. They may begin to make sense of why it happened or try to find meaning in the experience.

Stage 4: Depression and Sadness

In this stage, as the individual is confronting that the loss has or will occur, they may experience a deep sense of sadness or depression. Crying, isolation, or losing interest in things the mourner had previously found enjoyable may occur. This stage can involve feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and profound sorrow.

Stage 5: Acceptance and Moving Forward

During this stage, the individual begins to acknowledge and accept the reality of the loss, finding ways to integrate the loss into their life and adjust to the new reality. They begin to process and understand the loss logically while finding ways to navigate their future with the loss.

Coping Techniques for Navigating Grief

How might one cope with grief and all that is associated with the loss? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, as each experience is unique. However, the tasks of mourning, as developed by J. William Worden, outline the process in which an individual may integrate the loss into his or her life. These tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain of grief, adjusting to the world without the deceased, and finding an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of embarking on a new life. These tasks of mourning can be navigated through an array of coping strategies and by seeking support from mental health professionals. Remember that grief is a highly individual experience, and what works for one person may not work for another. Experiment with different coping techniques, and don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you find that your grief is overwhelming or interfering with your daily life. Here are a few examples of coping strategies:

Allowing Emotions: Give yourself permission to feel a wide range of emotions without judgment. Acknowledge and express your feelings, whether they are sadness, anger, guilt, or even moments of joy or relief. Writing about your thoughts and feelings can provide an outlet for processing your It can help you gain clarity and make sense of your emotions, especially when you notice that you are placing expectations on yourself regarding how you “should” feel.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing, can help ground you in the present moment and reduce overwhelming feelings of grief.
Maintain a Routine: Establishing a daily routine can provide structure and a sense of normalcy during a time when life may feel chaotic and unfamiliar. Limit making major life changes until you have had time to process your emotions and adjust to the new normal.
Prioritize Self-Care: Grief may impact the prioritization of daily tasks that contribute to your well-being. Pay attention to your physical needs by eating well, getting enough sleep, and staying hydrated. Taking care of yourself can support emotional well-being.
Practice Gratitude: Cultivate gratitude by focusing on positive aspects of your life and the time you had with the person or thing you lost.
Set Boundaries: Grief can be overwhelming, and it’s okay to set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Decline or postpone activities that might be too difficult or taxing.
Engage in Positive Activities: Pursue activities that bring joy and satisfaction, whether it’s spending time with loved ones, engaging in hobbies, or volunteering. Compile resources that bring you comfort, such as calming music or engage in activities that help you relax.
Rituals and Memorials: Creating rituals or participating in memorial services can provide a sense of closure and allow you to honor the memory of the person you’ve lost.
Time and Patience: Healing from grief takes time, and there’s no set timeline for when you’ll start feeling better. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.

Seeking support and professional help may be a vital part of grieving and accomplishing the tasks of mourning. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with grief. You don’t have to go through it alone, Explore these options:

Lean on Loved Ones: Share your feelings with friends and family who are supportive. Their presence and understanding can offer
Support Groups: Joining a grief support group, whether in person or online, can connect you with others who understand your experience and provide valuable insights. These sessions allow you to share your journey and learn from others.
Therapy/Counseling: Professional mental health clinicians have the expertise to help you navigate the complex emotions of grief. They can provide coping strategies and a safe space to express your feelings and navigate the tasks of mourning.
Religious or Spiritual Support: If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, seeking guidance from a religious leader or spiritual community can provide comfort and a sense of purpose.
Psychiatry: In cases of complicated grief or when grief significantly impacts mental health, psychiatric evaluation and treatment may be beneficial.

Navigating Grief in Different Age Groups

Grief is experienced differently based on an individual’s age and developmental stage. For example, toddlers often struggle with the concept of loss, but can sense and respond to changes in the environment, emotional changes in their caregiver, and may experience changes in their sleep behaviors, eating routines, and general disposition. For children experiencing loss during early or middle childhood, you may notice regression in their behavior. They may question or have concerns about their safety or who will care for them. It is suggested that caregivers and support systems respond sensitively to the security needs of children navigating grief and loss, and that they explain the concepts around loss and death in clear and concrete ways. When helping children cope with grief, it’s important to consider their understanding of death or loss, their emotional capacity, and their coping mechanisms. Below are some strategies for coping with grief in children:

Honesty and Age-Appropriate Communication: Be truthful and use age-appropriate language when discussing the loss. Avoid using euphemisms for death, as they might confuse or scare younger children.
Create a Safe Space: Allow children to express their emotions openly without judgment. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, thoughts, and memories related to the person who passed away or the associated loss.
Provide Reassurance: Reassure children that their feelings are normal and that it’s okay to grieve. Let them know that it’s not their fault and that they are loved and supported.
Maintain Routine: Maintaining a consistent routine can provide a sense of stability for children during a time of upheaval. It helps them feel secure and know what to expect.
Use Creative Outlets: Young children might find it difficult to express their emotions verbally. Encourage them to use creative outlets like drawing, painting, or play to process their feelings.
Offer Comfort Objects: Some children find comfort in objects that remind them of the person they’ve lost, like a favorite toy or a photograph.
Professional Help: If a child’s grief is causing significant distress or impacting their daily life, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional who specializes in grief in children.

Grieving as a teenager often takes on a different course as they are undergoing significant emotional and psychological changes at this stage. They may experience an increased awareness on the finality and impact of loss or death. At this age, adolescents are working on autonomy and independence. It is suggested that teens are not put into adult roles, and that they are given the compassionate space to explore their array of emotions surrounding the loss. Here are some strategies for helping teenagers cope with grief:

Open Communication and Support: Teens may not always openly express their feelings, but letting them know you’re available to talk and listen can encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.
Respect Their Independence: While offering support, respect their need for space and independence. Allow them to express their grief in their own way.
Peer Support: Teenagers often find comfort in talking to friends who may be going through similar experiences. Encourage them to connect with peers who can provide empathy and understanding.
Creative Expression: Like younger children, teenagers can benefit from creative outlets such as writing, art, music, or other forms of self-expression.
Professional Help: If a teenager’s grief is causing significant distress or impacting their daily life, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional who specializes in grief and adolescent issues.

Cultural and Social Influences on Grief

Individuals grieve in different and individualistic ways throughout the lifespan, in part due to social and cultural norms. Cultural norms, beliefs, and traditions play a significant role in shaping how individuals and communities experience and cope with grief. Different cultures have distinct ways of mourning and honoring the deceased. For example, in some cultures it is the norm to wear black clothing during the mourning process; in others, wearing white clothing while mourning is considered the norm. Factors such as religious resources and ethnic expectations play a large role in how the grieving process is navigated.

Here are a few examples of how culture shapes grieving practices:

Expressions of Grief: Cultural norms may dictate how openly or privately grief is expressed. Some cultures encourage outward displays of emotion, while others value more subdued expressions. Some cultures emphasize the collective experience of grief, with a strong focus on community support, while others prioritize individual grieving processes.
Rituals and Ceremonies: Funerals, memorial services, and other rituals vary greatly across cultures. These rituals often have deep symbolic meaning and help facilitate the grieving process. Degrees of openness in ceremonies vary across cultures.
Religious Beliefs: Religious beliefs can influence how people view death, the afterlife, and the meaning of loss. These beliefs shape the way grief is understood and processed.
Mourning Periods: Different cultures observe varying lengths of mourning periods. These periods can dictate social activities, clothing, and interactions during the grieving process.
Ancestral Practices: Some cultures maintain practices that involve ongoing connections with ancestors, such as ancestor worship or annual memorial celebrations. Some cultures create continuing bonds with lost family members through rituals that locate the dead in the realm of beloved ancestors.
Burial and Cremation: Cultural practices also influence choices regarding burial or cremation, as well as the handling of remains.
Food and Hospitality: Sharing meals and offering hospitality are common practices in many cultures as ways to provide support and comfort.

Social and community support play a crucial role during times of grief and loss. These networks provide comfort, validation, and a sense of belonging during difficult times, and they significantly shape how individuals experience and cope with grief.

Moving Forward After Grief

So, how might an individual move forward through grief and transition into the healing process, as well as find meaning and growth from grief? This involves navigating the path toward acceptance, adjustment, and rebuilding a meaningful life. The development of a new relationship with the dead is a crucial part of the mourning process. While grief is painful, it can also lead to personal growth, resilience, and a deeper understanding of life. Below are suggested means to promote growth and healing:

Narrative reconstruction: Those grieving may tell the story of the loss or of their loved one. By formulating grief in terms of a narrative or story, we cope with loss by reforming our story so that we integrate the deceased into our lives in a new way. Through story-telling, we gather meanings of life, and one way to keep those we lost is to talk about them.
Reflecting on Life’s Values: Grief often prompts individuals to re-evaluate their values, priorities, and goals. This can lead to making meaningful changes in your life. Take the time to reflect on who you are and what you want moving forward.
Legacy and Impact: Consider the legacy of the person you’ve lost and how their life has impacted yours. How can you carry forward their values, passions, or lessons?
Positive Reminiscing: Focus on positive memories and experiences shared with the person who passed away. These memories can provide comfort and help you cherish their impact on your life.
Engaging in Acts of Remembrance: Participate in activities or projects that honor the memory of your loved one, such as volunteering, creating art, or starting a scholarship fund.
Resilience and Empowerment: Grief can cultivate resilience and empower you to face challenges with newfound strength. Recognize the progress you’ve made in your healing.

Incorporating these strategies into your healing journey can help you transition from the immediate pain of grief to a place of deeper understanding, personal growth, and meaning. The healing process is not linear. There will be good days and challenging days. Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions. Remember that healing is a gradual process, and finding meaning does not diminish the significance of the loss but can help you navigate it in a more constructive and meaningful way.

Interested in seeking out professional support as you navigate your grief? Reach out to the Lukin Center for Psychotherapy and speak with an expert today.

Heidi Sommers, LSW | Lukin Center, Bergen County Moms — Heidi Sommers, LSW | Lukin Center

Heidi Sommers, LSW is a psychotherapist at Lukin Center Psychotherapy who is focused on providing therapy to adults struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, and adjustment disorders. She has experience working with grief, self-esteem concerns, interpersonal difficulties, and life transitions. She further specializes in work with young adults and students within academic institutions, as well as young professionals struggling with work stressors. Heidi believes in a client-centered approach and is an active and compassionate clinician who strives to create an environment that feels warm, safe, and values-consistent. She caters the evidence-based practice to each and every client based on their goals, creating a truly collaborative space. She integrates the client’s passions and skills into the work and enjoys bringing humor into the room. When working with clients, Heidi utilizes her extensive training in acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). She often integrates meditative and mindfulness practices into her work. Beyond individual psychotherapy, she has experience facilitating DBT groups and social anxiety groups, as well as couples therapy where she utilizes emotionally focused therapy (EFT). Heidi earned both her Master of Social Work (MSW) and Bachelor of Arts in psychology from The University of Michigan. She completed her training at the University of Michigan’s Psychological Clinic at the Mary A. Rackham Institute. She further conducted research within the Institute for Social Research where she studied, co-authored, and published works on the impacts of the quality of social networks on people’s physical and mental health. She has further experience working within forensic psychiatry settings and mental health advocacy on university campuses.