Being vulnerable can feel like a trap. Spill your guts and you open yourself up to recriminations, repercussions, and rejection.
It’s about trust, you see. If I don’t feel I can trust you, all of the above is possible, even likely.
And if I don’t trust you with my deepest feelings and dreams, it’s safe to say I learned it early on.
Mom was the go-to parent for these things. Not surprising; she wanted to be a psychologist, and she was the openly sensitive one.
Dad, not so much. He kept a lot to himself, and also had trouble understanding his highly sensitive daughter.
So even though I promised myself I wouldn’t be like that, guess what? I learned to keep my feelings to myself around him. And then I brought it into other relationships, including my marriage.
In our early years, my husband joked that I was ‘the turtle’, retreating into my shell when we disagreed.
Funny, and not funny. It felt risky to say what I really thought.
Which brings me to the second reason vulnerability is dangerous to many of us: lack of self-worth.
The fear of rejection and the need to be liked are powerful motivators (or de-motivators). They have followed me my entire life, although I’m proud to say they’re loosening their grip on me.
When you need to be liked, you’ll say and do whatever it takes for people to like you, approve of you, and keep you in their world.
Being emotionally honest is dangerous. What if people see the real you?
Unfortunately, that’s not an honest relationship with anyone, least of all me. It’s a sad way to live, and a lot of wasted years.
It means keeping people in your world who don’t really matter to you, or who truly are not good for you.
It also means keeping the people you love most at a distance, making other things more important than the connection you all so desperately want.
Being vulnerable with others – when it’s appropriate and safe – is a beautiful gift you give to yourself and to others.
I wholeheartedly believe in being vulnerable with our teens. They need this from us more than you can imagine.
First, please understand that sharing your feelings and struggles doesn’t diminish you and your parental authority; rather, it can elevate you and your relationship with them.
1. Sharing a past or current challenge shows you trust them with this information.
2. This makes you more approachable
3. They will know you better, and understand you better.
4. You are seen as human and fallible. Yes, it’s okay for them to see this.
5. You’re demonstrating that everyone evolves. They can see you as more than the fully-formed adult you are. You’re a multi-dimensional person now.
6. This gives them hope that change is possible for them, too.
7. And if you can trust them, then maybe, just maybe, they can trust you.
P.S. Would you be vulnerable with me? Will you allow me to support you? Take the first step with me to help you create the relationship you've only been dreaming about. Click HERE to schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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