You get a generally good review and one area needs some improvement. The improvement gets all the attention.
Your partner complimented you in the morning. They came home from work and snapped at you. You no longer feel loved or loving.
Your family is taking a day trip and it’s going pretty well. Then one of the kids (or parents) has a meltdown and it feels like the day is a disaster.
Why do we pay so much attention to the negative?
It’s called the negativity bias, and you can blame it on your brain… the primitive part, that is.
All living creatures have two primary, primitive drives, to reproduce and to survive.
Survival used to be about physical survival; the body went into action to avoid physical danger.
Now that drive kicks in mostly for emotional survival; thoughts and feelings push us into both physical and emotional fight, flight or freeze.
There is a pain-gain calculation going on. Research shows that we are much more responsive to the pain part of the equation.
You’re trying to decide if you want to invest in home insulation. The salesperson tells you
a) New insulation will save you $600 a year in heating bills OR
b) Without insulation, you’ll lose $600 a year.
Which of these is more likely to influence your decision?
A study showed that homeowners made more purchases when told how much they could lose, not how much they would gain.
We are programmed to choose minimizing pain, loss and discomfort over gaining a benefit.
Warning #1 - Too much negativity will keep you stuck and miserable. Your job is to notice when you’re sinking into thoughts and feelings that drag you down, and choose new thoughts.
Warning #2 - Your teens get this way a lot. Their feelings are in charge most of the time. Not a lot of rational thinking is going on there.
Listen more than you speak. Give them a chance to vent first. The time for problem-solving and shifting their mindset comes later, at another time.
The negativity bias has its place and purpose. Pay attention to when it’s working against you. (Do you see what I did there?)
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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